I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
