is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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