he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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