She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
