take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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