I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
