I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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