Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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