I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
