i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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