I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This girl is more easily done than said...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize