well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
