He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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