i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
