There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
