Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
