It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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