My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
