you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
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I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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