in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
