God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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