My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
