two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't deserve a penis
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
