Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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