I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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