anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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