Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
