I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
