All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
