This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
