when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
