you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
