Do you still have your period?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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