i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
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You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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