you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
