Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
