the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
