The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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