my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
