you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
