Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
