I hate your face
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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