I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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