Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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