That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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