I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
