EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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