Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize