Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
