My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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