I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
