Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Boobs speak an international language.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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