My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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