I must be too annoying 4 u.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
