before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
