i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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