my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
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A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
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You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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