I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
