Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
two words...techno handjob
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
