If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
