Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
