How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
