Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The Olympian is in my bed
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
