just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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