If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
